This is supposed to be a light-hearted article, a way to get hits for my new blog. Instead, I am going to start with a genuine sense of outrage, confirming the stereotype of the bitter critic and complaining about every single company who are bringing a show to the Fringe.
The Flyers
Last year, Edinburgh was filthy because the bin-men went on strike. This year, it is going to be covered in litter because actors will be handing out rectangles of unwanted cardboard. Flyer escalation has been a problem for years, and the Fringe Society refuses to act. Perhaps there is a technological answer: something with a QR code. Or perhaps companies could band together, create magazine for multiple shows in a format that might be worth putting in your pocket. Alternatively, they could print out thousands of flyers, and sink into a depresion as they realise that they have simply created a new surface for the wet pavements.
The Broken Hearts
These don't tutn up until around week three, when companies realise that their finely crafted show has had two reviews, which have not been published yet, and an audience that would shame a non-league football team reserve pre-season friendly). Cohorts of actors wander listlessly around the Royal Mile, bumping into comedians who have discovered that their jokes have worn thin. The former can blame it on the ferocity of the fringe, or the audience's refusal to really understand their experimental take on Shakespeare. The latter, of course, are the victims of a woke comspiracy to stifle free spech.
American Tourists
I am never sure what is worse: the fashion sense (this year, it is tartan trews, again), or the slow walking space. I am glad that they feed the tourist economy, and keep Princes Street in business, but until they turn up at a Belgian experimental performance, I can't see why they can't find another time of year to visit 'Edinburger'.
The Top Five Lists
Yeah, critics have their own shame. Here are the shows that you ought to see. These are the best ones in (insert genre here). Let me cut that cultural experience into pieces for you. Please, don't think for yourself. Please, don't take a risk on that show. This is your conversation for the day. Yes, I hate those things, too.
Having an eye operation
Usually, this slot is reserved for either 'actors' - with a picture of Stephen Fry wearing a horrible shirt and mismtached tie - or posh students doing a musical theatre version of Aristophanes' Lysistrata. However, I have decided that my eye operation is far more menacing. It will mean that I won't have to use the maximum magnification when I am typing, and is still probably less painful than trying to find a seat in the Pleasance Courtyard.
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