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Man killed in lanyard related accident


A man has ben discovered dead in what appears to be the first reported example of a lanyard fatality. The unnamed individual was a well-known face round Bristo Square and was seen frequently at late night gigs wearing a branded venue sweatshirt and laughing at jokes like he was a personal friend of the comedian on stage.



Although details have not yet been released as to the cause of death, the body was found with no less then 15 lanyards around his neck. These included special cards that gave him free admission to shows at various venues, entrance to the secret bars scattered around the venues, various official passes and the few that the victim seemed to have made himself so that he appeared really important.


The police have stated that the circumstances were not suspicious, if pretty embarrassing for the individual and it has been suggested that somebody making such an ostentatious display of themselves may well have been thinking about making their own show next year based on their gap year adventures. They did warn, however, against similar strategies of self-aggrandizement.


“Every year, we have a similar problem. Young people, fresh from school or studying theatre at university, get themselves a summer job at the fringe. There is a kind of arms race amongst these people to impress each other. It might begin innocently enough, with an armful of festival entrance bracelets or standing at the bar talking in a loud voice about how they met Reginald D Hunter last night. This has clearly escalated into desperate attempts to get as many orange bits of string covering their chest and stomach as possible. In some parts of Edinburgh, it has become so bad that they stop wearing any other clothes apart from their lanyards and their official venue sweatshirt which could really do with a wash.”


While nobody is sure what has happened to the body, the lanyards have been redistributed amongst the victim's closest friends, most of whom he met two weeks ago when they were building the stages of the venue.

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